ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
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Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.