ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
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For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
This forever.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
😂😂😂
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.