Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

Why soy sad?

Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

🎉🥳

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.