Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

I put the hot in psychotic.

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

me: *ordering an orange juice*

8yo: does it have pulp?

me: I’m not sure

8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.

Me: We shouldn’t give in to the commercialism of Christmas. In fact, we should celebrate it this year without giving each other gifts.

Husband: You missed the window for something to arrive by Christmas Eve, didn’t you?

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.

I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat

You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

Cashier: How are you today?

Me: You too.

🤦🏻‍♂️