Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same![]()
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Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
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I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
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Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.