Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

Very problematic

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim

Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.

If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?

Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug