Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

when you don’t want to be too vague

My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.

If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed