Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
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[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
A drum solo but on your face.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”