Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!

My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!

HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on: