Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

me linking you to my twitter

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

*has no idea what a book even is*

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God