Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
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My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it