Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
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2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”