Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

I’m a self-made hundredaire

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

My work here is done

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.