me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
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🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
😂🖐️
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery