me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
You Might Also Like
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Otters see a butterfly.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
live, laugh, laundry.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night