Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
You Might Also Like
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.