Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.

I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

Me: I just got hit

911: are you ok

Me: with a car

911: oh my gosh

Me: a toy car

911: oh why did u call us then

Me: its now sticking out of my skull

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks