Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
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Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.
Got drunk and hugged the Domino’s delivery driver again …. There goes that New Years Resolution.
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.