me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
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When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Yup.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
