me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
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Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I used to be married, but I’m better now
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
step 6: release the wall snake