Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

me hooking up with my ex

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out

3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅

4th year is going well.

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.