ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
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He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
🙂🙃🥹
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn