@FunnyBison

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”

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@sofarrsogud

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

@noduffers

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

@mariah_hartjes

Me training a new person at my job:
“So you’re not really suppose to do this but this is what I do”

@LOsepyan

Hey baby did it hurt when you fell from heaven?-How to pick up Satan

@quinf0ster

Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”

@PaperWash

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

@Wylie_Riley

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

@SaltyCorpse

You think your life is uncomfortable?

My gynecologist lives four doors down from me.

@ehchino

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

@HatfieldAnne

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?