ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
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Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
me opening up to someone
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.