me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
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Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
this is uni
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.