me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
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Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon