Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

these can’t be my only options

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.