Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
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[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Choose your fighter
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails