If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
You Might Also Like
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….