ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
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My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
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When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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