Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.

Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*

Gandalf: ffs

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.

yes… yes…

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid