Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

Thinking outside the box.. 😅

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.