Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
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My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Classic German Shepherd 😂
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
The internet is magic sometimes.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.