Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off

The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal

if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo