Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now

Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.

[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

[first date]

date: i’m an optimist

me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.