Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
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i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
My wedding will be open casket.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
mood
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit