Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
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The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
