Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

Snacking is the boredom activity you can do with your pants on

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.

Me: Piece of cake, babe.

[one week later]

Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

me in 2018: surely next year will be better

me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this

me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye

The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?