Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
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A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Twitter remains undefeated
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.