me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
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Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?