Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
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I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Jesus Christ lmao
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I love the honesty
applying for a new job
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Can’t. Being lazy.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have