ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
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Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
My daily affirmation
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
wife: please be careful with that box…you remember the bead incident
narrator: of course he remembered the bead incident. it was may, 2017. he’d decided to surprise her by organizing the closet, but it was he who would soon be surprised.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.