ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
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Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Perfect
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?