Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

🤣🤣🤣

my name is luke but my friends dont call me

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco

If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged