Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
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“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11