Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*

spider: yeah that way’s fine too

son: she literally knows nothing

me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function

son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world

me: now you’re getting the hang of it

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

“911, what’s the emergency?”

we were robbed. they stole the wireless router

“calm down”

also they shot my grandma or something. not sure

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

[party]

GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!

ME: Yahtzee!

GUY: That’s not a drinking game.

ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?

[everyone looks at each other]

ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it