Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
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I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.