Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
You Might Also Like
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
😂💯
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”