Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.
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Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
A collection of me turning into random objects.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them