Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
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hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help