Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
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I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.