Me buying fruit and veg
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Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Poetry is my passion
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Good morning
