Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

!!!!!!!!!!!

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon