Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
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When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged