Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite

Me (acing this date):

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

Love this one 😂🧟

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.