Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
You Might Also Like
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
socratic questions
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
sigh
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed