Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms

It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”