Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

Friend: Hi, How have you been?

Me: Why? What have you heard?

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.