Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!

#LaborDay

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10

“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.