Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

Tinder: Meet people within a few miles

Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

Wife: I think the washer went out

Me: What time will it be back?

Wife: Please get my suitcase

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*