Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

[interview]

Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?

Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: 😮 hampire

Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

Me: I’d like to return this

Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room

Me: ya it sucks

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.