So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
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Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?