Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call any time! *terms and conditions apply

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

Cat is stressing him out.

12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

Digital security in Ancient Troy

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

Monday again. I just knew this would happen

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

Fidel Castro was alive?

Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

[running amok in flames]

WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?

Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.