Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison

My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*

Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!

My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On