Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.

Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!

teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind

40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!

*opens bag of chips*

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s