Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…

Hubs: If you could sleep with…

Me: THOR!!!

Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.

Me: Ohhhh…

Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.