Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts my mental health in rice

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.