Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
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I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G